My most efficient mental health counselor during active duty embedded in my thoughts the practice of objectively reviewing my self-talk. I won’t say that my mind immediately rescues itself from wandering down paths of doubting, negative thoughts about my self-image, but I feel safe to say I’ve developed the habit.
This morning I made a mental course correction as I begin questioning my reasons for not pursuing full-time employment. I had begun thinking of myself as lazy and scared for not wanting to put myself out there in the workforce again. By the way, I have similar thoughts almost every day. Nearly every day they’re something to remind me that there is cool work being done by people I interact with.
It’s not envy that leads me into this train of thought, so I don’t want to paint that picture. All it takes for me is someone giving me a compliment on something in my skillset or a project idea. I begin to think about the ideas that continue to pile up because I don’t work on them enough during the day before I mentally fatigue. Also, they sit idle because I won’t ask for help. Ironically, I want to ask for help because I feel like I need to have more done on the project before I can engage someone o help me produce the thing.
It’s so easy for me to believe that I’m lazy. I heard it a lot growing up. It still echoes in my head. Now, understanding what I know about my particular set of neurodivergent behaviors, would look like laziness was more often disinterest. I’m not going to give maximum effort to an activity that doesn’t spark my curiosity. If I started at A and looked at Z as something I wasn’t excited about, I might make my way all the way to Q and then stall.
I know I mixed both present and past tenses, but what I’m saying is that I haven’t given maximum effort to things that don’t excite me. I’ve watched myself for more than 40 years. The pattern is very clear to me. In addition to lazy, another word that echoes in my head is underachiever. I loathe that word when it’s not used properly. In fact, I wish there was no noun version of the word.
If I haven’t made my point yet, this morning I started thinking about the next project I’m putting at the top of my priority list. Doubting thoughts started clouding my head, and I had to reel myself back in for me to map out the plan for this project. I am not lazy or an underachiever because I don’t wanna work a full-time job. The Michael I am today values his time and autonomy more than anything tangible including the salary.
I love to be able to think my own thoughts. I know that probably sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old, but hang in there. I’m sure I can be more poetic if not urbane given a few more lines of text. I need to be able to process and churn ideas in my head. I need to be able to brainstorm, sketch, and take notes. To be frank, I love being able to choose what I think about.
With a job where I need to devote 40+ hours of daylight each week, I am going to be continually asked to compromise when I get to think about it. My work, and by extension my thoughts, will be chosen for me. I know this because I’ve already lived it. I don’t want that today, February 15, 2023. Also, I’m genuinely grateful that I can choose [not to work a full-time job].