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I woke up on the couch around 4am pissed off because why would I have a bridge in my dream that I couldn’t drive on.
Where I remember starting the dream was just having finished some kind of training with a big group of people in a parking lot. The parking lot had a self-wash car wash station on one side and on the other side a loading dock connected to a building that reminded me of the long warehouse-like building on Ramstein Air Base where we used to get issued Chemical Warfare gear from Supply.
For no obvious reason, I was one of the last people to leave the parking lot, and I drove through a car wash stall on the way out – which felt normal like it was what you’re supposed to do. I took a left onto the street and saw a steep bridge ahead that cars would drive onto before taking off into the air going either left or right like if a translucent highway ramp appeared for them.
Intuitively, I knew the bridge was where the street ran out. The bridge was rough cobblestone and only wide enough to be single lane. As I started going up the bridge, my car slowed to a crawl and wouldn’t take off like the cars in front of me had.
Drivers behind me began getting upset because I had to back off the bridge and try again. I tried again after gaining more speed. As soon as my car hit the stone of the bridge, it started slowing again, and I wasn’t getting over. More angry drivers. Someone said something. I yelled something like “Why the f*ck would I put a bridge here that I can’t use?!”
I would try again maybe 4-5 times altogether and continue to fail. If you’re wondering why didn’t I drive a different way to get to my destination like going around or going in the other direction, etc then you might not understand how OCD works.
Some of us have to open a mailbox an even number of times or not step on sidewalk cracks. But some of us just have to finish things. It’s something that says to you, this is the path, pattern, the course of action that you’re on, and you have to stay on this path until you finish the task.
So no, another route wasn’t an option. I was going over this ridiculous bridge. Ultimately, I couldn’t figure out the bridge, so I came unglued.
I lost it. I got out of the car, picked up the car (that had magically become small enough for me to lift one side off the ground) by the trunk, and swung the car into a building next to the bridge effectively destroying the path and freeing me from needing to solve the problem of crossing the bridge in my car. (See what coping strategy I did there? 😉 )
After destroying the car, I walked into the building I’d thrown the vehicle against, and inside was a Buffalo Wild Wings-like bar. Someone familiar was sitting with one of my Ramstein AB troops and asked me about the bridge. I welcomed the invitation to rant about putting in a bridge that I couldn’t operate and whatnot, because apparently I was completely aware that I was the architect. Then he asked me about the car, and I said “F*ck that bridge!”
I left the table and went outside to fly away. I took off from the ground like Homelander from The Boys TV series which led me to land back on the ground immediately after. I was glad it didn’t work because it felt weird. I thought to myself ‘No, we’re not doing that.’
I took off with my standard running-jumping method. Floating up, I turned to look back at the guys and yelled “I can fly whenever I want because I always know I’m dreaming!”
…but seriously, why the hell would I put a bridge there that I can’t use? I don’t know. That was stupid.
The Finishing OCD
Writing this is a real life example of the finishing type of OCD at work. I’m not an expert – which is to say I don’t know what it’s called in Psych books – at how these things all work by the way; I just know what my life is.
Earlier in the post, I mentioned that I woke at 4-something AM. It’s exactly 5 minutes until 6 am as I write this line in the Notes app on my iPhone in my bed.
After coming upstairs, brushing my teeth, and putting in my retainers, I thought I should get back to bed as soon as possible. So, I settled on jotting down pieces of the dream I had with the intention that I would come back and write all the details after I finished sleeping.
But I started writing. See? I started. So, I had to finish. There’s no way I could fall asleep while the feeling of having to write this is lingering in my head. Decades of experience makes me know this is an absolute. THAT is what the Finishing OCD is.
I’m hitting the Publish button now at 6:07 am. Good morning.