I don’t think I can fully immerse myself into my art without being real about what I need from the world.
I’ve known since childhood how much a pat on the back affects me. I love it. I need some kind of display to know that what I do makes a positive impact.
I fought against it for a long time. I tried to become the kind of person that could feed off of their own steam. A head strong type that doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion but their own. A real adult. A real man.
I am this way
If I ever seemed like I was that kind of person, it was a facade. In fact, me trying to be that person just added another layer to my periods of feeling inadequate — especially during my marital problems.
It took some time — probably the last couple years — to self talk myself into accepting that I need my props. I do.
If this was a marriage counseling session, you could say my love language is clear, direct feedback. I need that expressed evidence that what I have laid before you is good.
I wonder whether the source of this need is nature or nurture — or how much of a fraction of each. But that’s a pretty serious rabbit hole that I wouldn’t even ask a psychologist to venture with me. Honestly, I don’t care so much about the why. The fact remains. This is how I am.*
Kudos.pages
Probably better to say it’s who I am. I started doing a thing within the last year for my writing that supports my claim of being an engine fueled by feedback. I made a spreadsheet where in each row I write a date, person’s name, quoted message, and the medium used to send the message. The file is called Kudos.
I made it so I always have a grab bag of compliments to reach into when I’d like to be reminded of how my writing impacts someone.
*Anyone is welcome to collect and dissect all of my written things and figure me out after I die. That would be pure entertainment for me on the other side.